My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize