seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How external is "for external use only"?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
