There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
