tell your sister to shave her snatch
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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