My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
