me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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