smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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