I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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