i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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