Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
