When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
