the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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