I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
