Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
