the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
