the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
