Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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