My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
