I molested 6 butterflies tonight
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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