I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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