Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
