It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
