just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
