You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
