By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
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