Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
