you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
