he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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