She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
so much tequila, so little girl.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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