life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
