i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In other news, I just burned my penis
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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