I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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