i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
