i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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