This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
