he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
