we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I would fuck him just for his dog
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
