I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
