eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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