so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
