I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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