Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
