I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
