Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize