i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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