hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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