YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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