Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
