you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
