You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
