Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
