i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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