My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
