wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Less talking, more tequila
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
