i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
