Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
