you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
