A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
