I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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